It's New Years, and I spent half an hour walking home from the train station, 'cause apparently I came right at the time where it switch between night buses, and normal buses, and it would be at least 45 minutes before the "normal" bus would arrive.
So this walk made me think of everything, and I decided to make a blog, for you all to follow my life in Denmark (if you want to) and for myself, so I could get some thoughts out of me and down on "paper."
See, though last year was the best experience of my LIFE, it changed a lot of things, most of all me! And while I was busy growing as a person, in the states, my friends back here changed too, and got other friends, that now, meant more to them than me.
It was a tough time coming back, I'll admit that. It still is tough.
Who could I trust? Who would stand behind me?
To be honest, only very few of the people I thought would, did, but as school started, I made a ton of new friends, and it gave me some comfort.
I have really, honestly, tried hard to feel at home in Denmark, after last year, but fact is, I can't. Not right now. I have been trying so hard to be something I'm not, to fit in here, to be who I used to be, since that's what people expected, well, tonight I realized I'm more than that!
I was at a new years party, but tonight I realized that no alcohol, no music, no fireworks, can ever make an as perfect and 'free' new years as I had last year! Here, people got drunk, and somebody puked in the host's bed. Made me feel horrible. This is not who I am. This is not my life, some party. Yeah, I can have fun with my friends, but this is not what I need to feel good!
And there I was, walking down this loooong street, home, watching random people's fireworks, and drunk people peeing, and I just realized that this is not what I want for my life!
I wish I could do what I love, without disappointing anybody, without their expectations kicking me down from behind. I wish I could smile, and mean it all the way deep down. Fact is, I haven't really been that smiling person since I can back.
I'm lost.
But I'll find my way through. I'll find my place in this world. If I'm not supposed to be in Denmark, I'm sure I'll get accepted into the college I applied for next year. It's a full scholarship in Norway, but chances are small. I'm sure that no matter what, I'll find what I was meant to in life. Now, only thing left, is hoping it's something I'll like :)
Happy New Year!
May 2011 bring you luck and answers!
Mette
